Grim: Tales Gone Bad

Satire, sarcasm, black humor—sometimes we just need to dive into the deep end of human depravity to see what we are capable of. Create a juxtaposition of what’s moral and immoral to make that line clearer and easier for us not to cross in everyday life. This essay indeed isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s racist, sexist, gory, and utterly disgusting. I used the original edition of the Brothers Grimms’ Kinder- und Hausmärchen as a template and a reminder of our values from the past millennia. A book that in itself is a lot less of a children’s tale than its subsequent editions and contemporary culture tends to portray it. I took that, made it even more graphic, and brought it into the new millennia.

This is simply a work of art, a reminder of the darker aspects of humanity, and it doesn’t represent my personal values.

Reader discretion is advised.


“In a utilitarian age, of all other times, it is a matter of grave importance that fairy tales should be respected.” – Charles Dickens


1

In the forest, on the edge of a dark well, the Princess played with her golden phallus, her favorite plaything. Delighted, she pushed it in and pulled it out of her pink parts until they contracted in her climax, ejecting the glistening wet golden rod through her fingers and splash it fell into the well. Horrified, the Princess crept to its edge and looked into the water, so deep she could not see the bottom. The Princess’s tears fell onto the surface as she wept, making tiny rings on the water. –Oh, if I only had my phallus again! She said in despair. I’d give anything and everything, my clothes, my jewels, my pearls, and all else there’s in the world if I could get my phallus back!

–Why are you weeping so miserably? A phlegmy voice said, and in shock, the Princess fell back onto her behind. Eight slimy webbed fingers dug into the edge of the well, then a neckless head with a hideous face popped out of the water. Why are you weeping? It repeated through its wide thin-lipped mouth, fixing her with its big round eyes. Why?

–Stay away from me, you nasty frog! She screamed.

–Why are you weeping? The frog asked as it crawled toward her, grabbing her thin, white ankles with its hands.

–Please go away. You can’t help me, She wept.

–Tell me. I can help, The frog said while it ran its cold fingers up her thighs.

–I lost my golden phallus in the well, She sniveled.

–I don’t want your pearls, your jewels, and your clothes, The frog said. But if you accept me as your companion and let me sit next to you and let me eat from your little golden plate and let me sleep in your little bed and promise to love and cherish me, I’ll fetch your phallus for you.

The Princess contemplated the frog’s proposal for a while before she said, –Yes, I promise you everything if you fetch my phallus for me. The frog’s face contorted into a grimace of a smile as it let go of the Princess’s legs and jumped into the well, disappearing beneath its surface. Not before long, it sprung out of the water and landed in front of the Princess with the phallus in its mouth, and spat it out on the ground between her legs. She hurried and took it into her hands, feeling how it was as heavy, thick, and ridged as she remembered, making her so delighted she could not think about anything else but rush back home with it.

–Wait, Princess, take me with you as you promised! The frog yelled after her, but she paid him no attention.

The next day, when the Princess sat at the table, she heard something coming up the marble steps, splash, splish, splash! Then it knocked on the door and from the other side came the words, –Princess, youngest daughter, open up! She ran to the door and opened it only to see the frog she had forgotten all about. Horrified, she slammed the door shut, and the King came into the room to see what all the commotion was about.

The King saw how her heart was thumping and asked, –Why are you afraid, my child?

–There’s a nasty frog outside. It retrieved my golden rolling pin from the well when I lost it there, and I promised it that it could be my companion, never believing it could wander so far away from the water, and now it’s standing outside the door, wanting to come in.

Again it knocked on the door, and the phlegmy voice whispered from the other side, –Princess, youngest daughter, open up! Don’t you remember what you said down by the well’s dark water? Princess, youngest daughter, open up!

–You must keep your promises no matter what they are. Now go and let the frog in, The King said as he sat down at the table.

The Princess obeyed and let in the frog that followed close behind her to her chair, and when she sat down again, it said, –Let me sit in the chair with you, as you promised. The Princess pretended she did not hear the frog, but the King ordered her to do it. She rose from the chair and let the frog sit in it before she sat down in its lap. Now let’s eat together from your little golden plate. The Princess did as she was told, and while she ate with her little fork and little knife, the frog fondled her little breasts with its large webbed hands, touching her hard nipples protruding through the thin silk garment as it looked at the King sitting at the opposite side of the table. Its tongue shot out from its foul-smelling mouth and onto the morsels of food on the plate, making some of it fall onto the table while pulling some of it into the frog’s mouth.

When the frog was satisfied, it said, –Now I’m tired and want to sleep. Bring me upstairs to your little room. Get your little bed ready so that we can lie down in it. The Princess wept when she heard this, but the King became angry and ordered her to do what she had promised, or she would be held in disgrace. She had to do what her father wanted, but she was bitterly angry in her heart while she took the frog’s hand and led it up the dwindling stairs to her room, where she laid down in the bed with it and blew out the candles. Through the window, she saw the moon and stars.

The frog crept close to her, pulling at her garment, whispering with its hot stinking breath in her ear, –Take this off. The Princess shuddered and crawled out of the garment. She felt the frog’s tongue on her naked flesh, almost radiant in the pale blue light. The door opens, only to close again. A shadow moved into the corner where it stayed quiet and still beside a faint wet noise repeating itself over and over again, intensifying as the frog lay the Princess on her belly, spread her pale cheeks, and ejected its tongue into her behind. Her scream cut through the castle’s thick stone walls, over the quiet night lands and forests. The peasants stirred in their beds, in their little houses, in the woods, the wolves howled in response, and when the black cock rose from its slumber and drenched them all in its song, she became quiet.

She lay still as the frog left her before falling asleep on top. Its seed mixed with sweat and blood and excrement between them made her stick to the frog’s fat belly as she tried to wriggle away. But inch for inch, she squirmed and came free from the frog. When she stood up, the mixture ran down her legs and onto the floor where it formed a puddle, in size like the one in the corner, but not in color.

As the frog snored, the princes pulled out her chamberpot from under her bed, and with it, she snuck to the fireplace and got some red-hot embers and the fire poker. With them, she crept back to the frog and watched it sleep. She plunged the poker into its eye, and when it jumped onto its feet and screamed, she threw the embers into its wide mouth. They glowed through the skin as they went down its throat, sizzled when they fell into its stomach before burning through and falling onto the bedsheets. –Now you’ll leave me in peace, you nasty frog! She yelled. But the frog did not fall down dead. Instead, it became a handsome young prince. Astonished, the Princess watched the transformation before her eyes and said, –Well, now indeed, you can be my dear companion, and I can cherish you as I promised, and in delight, we can sleep together.

The next morning a splendid coach arrived drawn by eight horses with feathers and glistening gold harnesses, and the prince’s Faithful Henry accompanied them. He had become so excited when he had learned his master had been turned into a frog that he had ordered three iron bands to be wrapped around his member to keep it from bursting with relief. The prince got into the coach with the Princess, and his faithful servant took his place at the back so they could return to the prince’s realm.

After they had traveled some distance, the prince heard a loud cracking noise behind him, so he turned around and cried, –Henry, the coach is breaking!

–No, my lord, it’s really nothing but the band around my member, which nearly came apart when you turned into a frog, and your fortune fell, and you were made to live in that dreadful well.

Two more times, the prince heard the cracking noise and thought the coach was breaking, but the noise was only the sound of the bands springing from Faithful Henry’s member because his master had been released from the spell and was happy.


2

A coon and a cracker lived together in a shared crack house. They prepared for the police crackdown and bought a little jar of jenkem, but since they didn’t know of a better and safer place to put it, they stashed it under the altar in the church, where it was supposed to stay until they needed it. Not before long, the coon felt a craving for the jenkem, and went to the cracker and said, –Listen, little cracker, my cousin has asked me to be godfather for her child, a baby boy with big lips. I’m to hold him at the christening. Would you mind letting me go out today and taking care of the house by yourself?

–No, no, The cracker answered. Go there, and when you get some good watermelon and chicken to eat, think of me. I sure would like a little drop of that sweet Kool-Aid too.

The coon went straight to the church and sniffed a little of the jenkem before walking the city’s streets buzzed and did not return home until evening.

–You must have enjoyed yourself very much, The cracker said. What name did they give the child?

–Sniff, The coon answered.

–Sniff? That’s a strange name. I’ve never heard it before.

Soon after that, the coon felt the withdrawal and went to the cracker and said, –I’ve been asked to be godfather once more. The child has a big dick. I can’t refuse. You must do me a favor and look after the house.

The cracker consented, and the coon went and huffed up half the jar of jenkem. When he returned home, the cracker asked, –What name was this child given?

–Huff, The coon answered.

–Huff, you don’t say! I’ve never heard of such a name. I’m sure it’s not on the list of proper baptismal names.

The coon soon felt the raging beast of desire and could not stop thinking about the jar of jenkem. So it went to the cracker and said, –I’ve been asked to be godfather again for the third time—this child’s incredibly black, almost blue. Even the soles of his feet are black. That only happens once every few years. You’ll let me go, won’t you?

–Sniff, Huff, The cracker said. Those are curious names. I’m beginning to wonder about them. Even so, go ahead.

The cracker cleaned the house and put it in order. Meanwhile, the coon inhaled the rest of the jenkem in the jar and came home high as a kite late at night.

–What’s the name of this child?

–Inhale.

–Inhale! Hey now! That’s the most suspicious of all the names, Said the cracker. Inhale! What is it supposed to mean? I’ve never seen it in print! Upon saying that, the cracker shook its head and went to sleep. Nobody called upon the coon to become godfather a fourth time. However, soon the crackdown came, and there was nothing more to be found on the corner. So the cracker said to the coon, Come, let’s go to our stash that we stuck beneath the altar in the church. But when they arrived there, the jar was empty. Oh! Said the cracker. Now I know what’s happened! It’s clear as day. You used it all up when you went to serve as godfather. First, you sniffed a little, then huffed half, then.

–Shut up! Yelled the coon, One more word, and I’ll fuck you up!

All gone was already on the tip of the poor crackers’ tongue. No sooner was it uttered than the coon pounced and stabbed the cracker multiple times in the stomach.


3

A woodcutter, his wife, and their only child, a three-year-old girl, lived at the edge of a vast forest. They were poor and could not provide food for their daughter. One morning, the woodcutter went into the woods to work, and as he began chopping wood, a tall and beautiful transvestite appeared before him. She wore a crown of shining bombs on her head. She said to him, –I’m Mohammed, prophet of Allah. Since you are poor and in need, bring me your child, and I’ll take her with me and be her mother and look after her. The woodcutter obeyed the transvestite, fetched his daughter, and gave her to Mohammed, who took her up to paradise.

In paradise, everything went well for the girl. She ate only pork and drank sweet wine. Her clothes were made of dogskin, and the transexual virgins played with her. Then one day, when the girl was to turn fourteen, Mohammed had to go on a long journey. Before she went away, she summoned the girl and said, –Dear child, I’m trusting you with the keys to the thirteen doors of the kingdom of paradise. You may open twelve of the doors and look at all the marvelous things inside, but I forbid you to open the thirteenth door.

The maiden promised to obey her commands, but after Mohammed had departed, she opened a new door every day and looked into the rooms. In each one, a kitten was playing in an inflatable castle. Never in her life had she seen such cuteness and glory. When she had opened all twelve doors, and the forbidden door was the only one left, she resisted her curiosity for a long time, but in the end, she was overcome and opened the thirteenth door. As the door sprung open, she saw a skinny naked man bending over forward with the fingers of both hands in his asshole, pulling it apart and revealing a tremendous cavernous blackness. When she touched the wall, her fingers turned brown, and she slammed the door shut and ran away. Her heart would not stop pounding.

A couple of days later, Mohammed returned from her journey and asked the maiden for the keys of paradise. When the girl handed her the keys, the prophet looked into her eyes and said, –Didn’t you also open the thirteenth door?

–No, The girl answered.

Mohammed put her hand on the maiden’s heart and felt it pounding. She knew the girl had opened the forbidden door, so once again, she asked, –Are you sure you didn’t open the door?

–I’m sure.

When Mohammed glanced at the girl’s brown fingers, she knew the maiden was guilty and said, –You’ve disobeyed me and lied. You’re no longer worthy of staying in paradise. Then the prophet told the maiden to smell her fingers. When she obeyed, she fell into a deep sleep, and when she woke, she was lying on the ground beneath a tree encircled by thick bushes. Her mouth was sewn shut so that she couldn’t utter a word. The girl took shelter in the hollow tree from the rain and storms. Roots and berries were her only food, which she foraged for as far as she could walk. When autumn came, she gathered roots and leaves that she carried to the hollow tree, and when snow and ice came, she sat inside it.

With time, the girl’s hair grew long and covered her body like a cloak. Her clothes became tattered, and one piece after another, they fell apart, so she had to cover herself with leaves. When spring came, and the sun shone again, she went out and sat in front of the tree. Then someone came through the bushes. It was the King who had been hunting in the forest but lost his way. He was amazed at finding such a beautiful maiden sitting alone in such a desolate spot and asked her if she wanted to come with him to his castle. As she could not answer with words, she nodded her little head.

The King lifted her onto his horse and brought her to the castle. The King soon became so fond of her; he made her his queen. When a year had passed, she gave birth to a beautiful son. During that night, Mohammed appeared before her and said, –If you’ll tell me the truth and confess you unlocked the forbidden door, I’ll take out those stitches so that you can speak again. However, if you’re stubborn and won’t confess, I’ll take your baby. When the Queen didn’t admit she had opened the thirteenth door, the prophet disappeared with the child.

The next morning, when the baby was gone, a rumor began circulating among the people that the Queen was a lesbian and had eaten her only child. When a year had passed, the Queen gave birth to another son. Once again, Mohammed appeared and told her to confess, or she would take this child too. The stubborn Queen denied having opened the forbidden door, and once again, the prophet took the child away with her. The next morning, when the second baby also was missing, the King’s councilors said that also they believed the Queen was a lesbian, and they demanded that she be executed for her godless deeds. But the King ordered them to keep quiet as he refused to believe that her beloved wife was a lesbian.

Another year passed, and the Queen gave birth to a Princess. This time when Mohammed appeared before her, she took her to paradise, where she showed how her two oldest children played with a jar of foreskins. Again the prophet asked the Queen if she had opened the forbidden door, and again the Queen denied. The prophet sent the Queen back to earth but also kept her third child. This time, the King could not keep his councilors quiet, and since she could not speak, she could not defend herself, and she was condemned to die at the stake. As she stood tied to it in the middle of the burning pure, her heart was moved, and she thought to herself, –Oh, before I die, I’d like to confess to the prophet that I opened the forbidden door. I’ve been so wicked by denying it all this time! At that moment, Mohammed descended from paradise with the Queen’s two little sons at either side and daughter in her arms.

The fire died, and the prophet stepped forward to the Queen and said, –Since you want to speak the truth, your guilt is forgiven. Then she handed the Queen her children, took out the stitches so that she could speak, and from them on bestowed happiness on the Queen for the rest of her life.


4

There was an old king whose daughter was the kinkiest in the world. One day he announced, –Whoever can keep watch in my old castle for three nights can have the Princess for a bride.

A young man from a poor family thought to himself, –Why not risk my life? I’ve got nothing to lose and a lot to win. What’s there to think about? So he came before the King and offered to keep watch in the castle for three nights.

–You may request three things to take with you into the castle, but they’ve to be inanimate objects, The King said.

–Well, I’d like to take a carpenter’s bench with a knife, a lathe, and fire. All these things were carried into the castle for him. When it turned dark, he went inside. He built a fire, placed the carpenters’ bench with the knife next to it, sat down by the lathe, and waited in silence.

Toward midnight came a rumbling. First soft, and then louder, –Bif! Baf! Hehe! Holla ho! It became more dreadful, before again softer. Then a cock came down the chimney and stood right before the young man.

–Hey, there! He cried out. How about some more? One is too little.

The noise began once again, and another cock fell down the chimney and then another until there were nine. –That’s enough now. I’ve got enough for bowling, but there’re no balls. Out with them! There was a tremendous uproar, and two balls fell down the chimney. He put them in the lathe and turned them until they were smooth. Now they’ll roll much better! He did the same with the cocks and set them up like bowling pins. Hey, now I can have some fun!

Then two large black men appeared and strode around the fire, screeching, –Meow! Meow! We’re freezing! We’re freezing!

–You fools! What’re you screaming about? Sit down by the fire and warm yourselves.

After the men had warmed themselves, they said, –Good fellow, we want to play a round of cards.

–All right, He replied, But show me your cocks. You’ve got such long foreskins that I’ve got to give them a good clipping before we begin. He grabbed them by the balls and lifted them to the carpenter’s bench, where he fastened them to the vise and beat them to death. Afterward, he carried them outside and threw them into a pond across from the castle. When he returned to the castle, to sit down by the fire and warm himself, black men and women came out of every nook and cranny, more and more, so that he couldn’t hide. They screamed, stamped on the fire, and kicked it about so that I went out. He grabbed his carving knife and yelled, Get out of here, you spooks! And swung the knife. Most of the men and women ran away, the others were killed, and he threw them into the pond.

The young man went back inside the castle and rekindled the fire so that he could warm himself, after which he became tired and lay down on a large bed standing in the corner. Just as he was about to fall asleep, the bed began to stir and race around the entire castle. –That’s fine with me, He said, Just keep it up! The bed drove around as though six horses were pulling it over stairs and landings. Bang! It turned upside down, from top to bottom, and he was beneath it. He flung the blankets and pillows into the air and jumped off and said, Anyone who wants a ride can have one! Then he lay down next to the fire until dawn.

In the morning, the King arrived, and when he saw the young man lying asleep, he thought he was dead and said, –What a shame. But when the young man heard these words, he woke, and as soon as he saw the King, he stood up. The King asked him how things had gone during the night.

–Quite well. One night went by smoothly, and the other two will go by as well. Indeed, the other nights were just like the first, and so one the fourth day, he was rewarded with the King’s kinky daughter.


5

A whore had seven young children, whom she loved very much and protected from the homosexual. One day, when she had to go and fetch some drugs, she called them all together and said, –Dear children, I must go out to find some drugs. So be on your guard against the homosexual and don’t let him inside. Pay close attention because he often disguises himself, but you can recognize him right away by his squeaky voice and hopeful bulge. Protect yourselves. If he gets into the house, he’ll molest you all.

Upon saying this, the whore went on her way, but not before long, the homosexual arrived at the door and called out, –Open up, dear children. I’m your whore mother and have brought you some beautiful things.

But the seven children said, –You’re not our mother. She has a lovely, soft voice, and yours is squeaky. You’re the homosexual, and we’re not going to open the door.

The homosexual went away to the shopkeeper and bought a big piece of chalk, which he ate, and it made his voice soft. Then he returned to the house door of the seven children and called out with a soft voice, –Dear children, let me in. I’m your mother, and I’ve brought something for each of you.

But the homosexual had put his bulge on the windowsill, and when the children saw it, they said, –You’re not our mother. She doesn’t have a hopeful bulge like yours. You’re the homosexual. We’re not going to open the door for you!

So the homosexual ran back to the baker and said, –Baker, put some dough on my bulge for me. And after that was done, the homosexual went to the miller and said, –Sprinkle some white flour on my bulge. The miller said no. –If you don’t do it, I’ll give you HIV! So the miller had to do it. The homosexual went once again to the house door of the seven children and said, –Dear children, let me in. I’m your mother, and I’ve brought something for each of you. The seven kids wanted to see the bulge first, and when they saw that it was snow white and heard the homosexual speak so softly, they through the was their mother and opened the door.

Once the homosexual entered, they recognized him and quickly hid as best they could. The first child slid under the table, and the second hid in the bed, the third in the oven, the fourth in the kitchen, the fifth in the cupboard, the sixth under the washbasin, and the seventh in the clock case. But the homosexual found and molested them all, except for the youngest in the clock case, who remained unmolested.

When the homosexual had satisfied his craving, he went off. Shortly thereafter, the mother whore came home, and oh, what a terrible sight! The homosexual had been there and molested all her dear children. She thought they were all homosexuals now, but then the youngest jumped out of the clock case and told her how everything had happened. Meanwhile, the homosexual, who was drained, had gone down a manhole, where he had laid down in the sewage and fallen into a deep sleep.

The old whore thought she still might be able to save her children from homosexuality and AIDS. Therefore, she said to the youngest child, –Take the scissors, needle, and thread and follow me. After she left the house, she found the homosexual lying in the sewage down in the manhole and snoring. –There’s that nasty homosexual! She said and inspected him from all sides. –There’s he is after molesting my six children to satisfy his not unholy but well ungodly desires. Give me the scissors! Oh, if only there’s still hope! Then she cut off the homosexual’s member, and with the needle and thread, she made him into a woman. Immediately she ordered them to fuck the boipussi so that they could become heterosexuals again.

When the homosexual woke up, He said, –It’s rumbling and tumbling in my ballsack! It’s rumbling and tumbling in my ballsack! And I’ve only molested six children. As he said this and last of the boys filled his boipussi, he exploded. When the seven children saw this, they came running and masturbated joyfully around the corpse.


6

There was a negro and a chinaman, each with one cock. For a long time, they lived together in a house in peace. One day the negro was invited to a wedding, and he said to the chinaman, –I’ve been invited to a wedding and don’t want to go with one cock. Would you be so kind as to lend me yours? I’ll bring it back to you tomorrow. The chinaman obliged and gave its cock to the negro. The following day, when the negro came home, he liked having two cocks in its groin and being able to fuck both holes at a time. So he refused to return the borrowed cock to the chinaman. The chinaman swore that it would avenge himself on the negroes’ children and grandchildren.

–Well, Replied the negro, –See if you can find me. I’ll build my nest in the palm tree, so high, so high, so high. You’ll never be able to find it, no matter how hard you try.

Ever since then, all the negro have had two cocks, and the chinaman, none. But wherever the negro builds its nest, a chinaman lives in the bushes beneath it and constantly tries to crawl up the tree, pierce the eggs of its enemy, and drink them up.


7

A father was sitting at the table with his wife, children, and a good friend who was visiting him, and they had their noonday meal. As the clock struck twelve and the visitor saw the open door, and an albino child dressed in snow-white clothes entered. He didn’t look around or say anything but went silently into the next room. Shortly thereafter, he returned and went away just as quietly as he had entered.

On the second and third day, the child came again. Finally, the visitor asked the father who the beautiful child was that entered the room every day at noon. The father answered that he knew nothing about him. He hadn’t seen anything.

The next day as the clock struck noon, the child entered again, and the visitor pointed the child out to the father, but he didn’t see the boy. Neither did the mother nor the children. The visitor stood up, went to the door, opened it a little, and looked inside. There he saw the albino child sitting on the floor, digging and rummaging through the cracks of the boards. However, as soon as the child noticed the visitor, he disappeared. Now the visitor told the family what he had seen and gave an accurate description of the boy.

The mother recognized the child and said, –Alas, it’s my dear child who died four weeks ago.

They ripped up the floorboards and found two mushrooms that the child had received from his mother at one time to give to a depressed man, but the child had thought, –You can trip yourself on those. This is why he hadn’t been able to rest in his grave and came back every day at noon to look for the mushrooms. The parents gave the mushrooms to the depressed man, and after that, the little child was never seen again.


8

Once there was a little girl who had three brothers whom their mother loved. The girl was neglected, mistreated, and forced to go out early in the morning every day and work at the brothel for peat, which they used for making fires and cooking. To top it all off, she was given an old, dirty sheepskin condom to perform this nasty work. But the little girl had a stalker pervert who was an elf and lived in a cardboard box near her mother’s house. Whenever she went by the box, he would stretch out his cock from a hole in the box and offer her, claiming it had miraculous powers and could produce peat. She used his cock and finished her work quickly. Then she would return home happy with the necessary load.

When the mother noticed how swiftly and efficiently she came back home with the peat, she told the brothers that there must be someone helping her. Otherwise, it would be impossible for her to complete the work so fast. So the brothers crept after her and watched her receive the magic cock. They overtook her and forced her to give it to them. They knocked on the cardboard box, and when the cock came out, they cut it off with a knife. The bloody stump drew back, and since the pervert believed that his beloved stalkee had betrayed him, he was never seen after that.


9

Once upon of time, there was a King who had twelve boys. He did not want a daughter and said to his wife, –If you give birth to our thirteenth child, and it’s a girl, I’ll have the boys killed. But if it’s a boy, then they’ll all remain alive and stay together. The Queen thought of talking him out of this, but the King refused to hear anything more about it. If everything turns out as I said, they must die. I’d rather chop off their heads myself than let a girl be among them.

The Queen was sad about this because she loved her sons with all her heart and did not know how she could save them. She went to the youngest, who was her favorite, and revealed to him what the King had decided. –Dearest child, She said, –Go into the forest with your eleven brothers, stay there, don’t come home. One of you should keep watch in a tree, looking over here toward the tower. If I give birth to another boy, I’ll raise a white flag on top of the tower. If it’s a little girl, I’ll raise a red flag. If you all see that it’s red, save yourselves. Flee into the wide world, and may the dear Lord protect you. I’ll get up every night and pray that you won’t freeze in the winter and can warm yourselves by a fire and that when it’s hot in the summer, you can rest in a cool forest and sleep.

After the sons had got her blessing, they went out into the forest, where they frequently looked toward the tower. One of them had to sit on top of a high tree, always keeping watch. Soon a blood-red flag was hoisted, foreshadowing their doom. When the brothers caught sight of it, they all became angry and cried out, –Why should we lose our lives because of a girl? Then they all swore to remain in the middle of the forest, becoming homosexuals, and if a maiden were to appear, they would kill her.

Soon after this, they searched for a cave where the forest was the darkest, that’s where they began to live. Every morning eleven of the brothers started their daily orgy, while one of them watched the opening of the cave. Whenever they encountered a girl, they killed her on sight without mercy. They lived like this for many years. While in the meantime, their little sister grew up as the only child at home. One day when there was a large amount of washing to do, she found twelve butt plugs for boys.

–Whose plugs are these? The Princess asked the washerwoman. –They’re much too small for my father. The washerwoman told her that she once had twelve brothers, but they had mysteriously disappeared. Nobody knew where because the King wanted to have them killed. Those twelve plugs belonged to her twelve brothers. Upon learning this, the girl took the plugs with her into the forest where the brothers were living. She found the cave serving as her brothers’ dwelling. As usual, eleven were fucking, but the one watching the entrance caught sight of the girl and drew his sword.

–Kneel down! He said, –Your red blood will flow this very moment.

But the girl heard the commotion deeper inside the cave and pleaded, –Dear sir, let me live. I’ll stay with you and serve you honestly. I’ll keep watch at the entrance to the cave for you.

Her youngest brother took pity on her because of her little stupid girl-head and spared her life. When his eleven brothers returned home, astonished to find the girl alive in their cave, he said to them, –Dear brothers, this girl came to our cave, and when I wanted to cut her to pieces, she pleaded for her life, saying that she would serve us faithfully and keep house if I spared her.

The others thought this would be a great benefit to them because now all twelve could fuck, and they were satisfied with the arrangement. Then the girl showed them the twelve plugs and told them she was their sister. They were all happy about this, and glad they had not killed her. The little sister took over all the household chores, and when the brothers went fucking, she watched the entrance, gathered wood and berries, kept the fire going, made their bed nice, white, and clean, and did everything with zeal and without tiring.

Then, one day, when she was finished with all her work, she took a walk in the woods and came to a place with twelve large, beautiful, and pink tulips. As she plucked them, an old woman appeared before her. –Oh, my daughter, she said, –Why didn’t you let the twelve budding flowers be. They’re your twelve brothers. Now they’ve been changed into Guianan-Cock-of-the-Rocks, forever lost.

The girl wept and said, –Isn’t there any way that I can save them?

–No, there isn’t any way in the world except one so difficult, you won’t be able to rescue them. You must spend the next twelve years without shitting. If you shit a single turd, even if there’s only an hour left, everything will be in vain, and your brothers will die that very moment.

The girl climbed a tall tree, where she wanted to sit, not shit, and wait until the twelve years had passed, and free her brothers. However, that day a King was out riding and hunting in the forest, and as he rode by the tree, his dog stood still and barked. The King stopped, looked up, and was amazed by the Princess’s beauty. He called to her and asked whether she wanted to become his wife. But the was so concentrated on not shitting, she remained silent and only nodded in response. The King himself dismounted and helped her down the tree and lifted her up before him onto his horse. Then he brought her back to his castle, thinking the Princess was mute, as she did not utter a word.

They would have lived happily with each other if it had not been for the King’s mother, who began slandering the young Queen before her son. She’s a common beggar that you’ve dug up from nowhere, and she’s doing the most disgraceful things behind your back. Since the young Queen could not speak and defend herself, the King was led astray, believing what his mother said, and sentences his wife to death. An enormous fire was built in the courtyard, where she was to be burned to death. Soon the Queen stood before the flames grazing the fringes of her dress.

A moment before her twelve years of silence would be completed, there was a noise in the air, and twelve Guianan-Cock-of-the-Rocks swooped down into the courtyard. When they touched the ground, they became twelve handsome princes who instantly put out the fire and led their sister to safety. As the Queen opened her mouth again and told the King how everything had happened, so did her other end, killing the King’s evil mother.


10

A husband told his wife, –The rye mushrooms are ripe. Let’s go to the field and for once eat our fill before the farmer hauls them all away.

–Yes, said the wife. Let’s go and have a good time.

Together they went to the field, and since it was such a bright day, they stayed until the evening. Now I don’t know whether it was because they had stuffed themselves too much or whether they had become too high and mighty, but they didn’t want to return home on foot. The husband built a bicycle out of sticks. When he finished, the wife hopped on the back and said to the husband, –Now you pedal it.

–No, said the husband. –You’ve some nerve! I’d rather go home on foot than have to pedal. No, that wasn’t part of our bargain. I’d gladly steer and sit on the handlebar, but I refuse to pedal!

As they were quarreling, the farmer came by and cried, –You thieves! Who said you could enter my field of fungus infested rye? You wait! You’ll pay for this! He charged the husband with his pitchfork, but the husband was on his toes and threw himself at the farmers’ body nice and hard. Then he put his scrotum onto the farmer’s forehead repeatedly until he begged for mercy and willingly pedaled the bicycle as punishment. Now the husband sat down on the handlebar, and off they went.

–Farmer, pedal as fast as you can! Cried the husband. After they had gone some distance, they encountered two travelers on foot, a dinosaur, and a cosmonaut, who called and asked them to stop. They said it would soon be very dark, and they wouldn’t be able to go one step farther. Besides, the road was dirty. So they asked if they could have a ride. They had been at the tailor’s tavern outside the town gate and had one beer too many, which made them late as well. Since they were hallucinations and didn’t take up much room, the husband let them both get in, but they had to promise not to step on his or the wife’s feet.

Later that evening, they came to an inn, and since they didn’t want to travel any farther, and since the farmer was not pedaling well but swayed from side to side, they decided to stop there. At first, the innkeeper raised a lot of objections and said his inn was already full. Moreover, he thought they were not a very distinguished-looking group. However, they used some sweet talk and offered him the shit that the wife had laid along the way and told him that he could also keep the farmer, who laid a shit a day. So finally he relented and said they could spend the night. Now they ordered some good hot food and had a merry time of it.

Early the next morning, as the sun was rising and everyone was asleep, the husband woke the wife, fetched the shit, seasoned it, and devoured it. After throwing the kernels of corn on the hearth, they went to the dinosaur, who was still asleep, grabbed him by the head, and stuck him into the innkeeper’s easy chair. Then they stuck the cosmonaut into the innkeeper’s towel. Finally, without much ado, they flew away over the heath. The farmer, who liked to sleep in the open air and had spent the night in the yard, heard the flapping of their wings. So she roused, found a brook, and drowned himself. That went much faster than going home and getting the shotgun.

A few hours later, the innkeeper got out of bed, washed, and took the towel to dry himself. However, the dinosaur scratched his face, leaving a red mark from ear to ear. Then he went into the kitchen and wanted to light his pipe. But, as he leaned over the hearth, the kernels of corn popped into his eyes. –Everything’s attacking my head this morning, He said and went to sit down in his easy chair to settle his bad mood, but he jumped up immediately and screamed, –Oww! The cosmonaut had stuck him worse than the dinosaur and not in his head.

Now he was furious and suspected the guests who had arrived so late the night before. But when he went looking for them, they were gone. Then he swore he would never again let riffraff stay at his inn, especially when they eat so much, pay nothing, and play mean tricks on top of it all.


11

A little brother took his little sister by the hand and said, –Ever since our mother ran away with the ecstasy, we’ve not had one moment of happiness. Our stepmother molests us every day, and when we come near her, she fists us up the ass. We got nothing but low-grade amphetamine, while she has meth, and the gimp in the barn is better off than us. At least he gets a good popper to sniff every now and then. Allah have mercy on us if our mother only knew! Come let’s go off together into the wide world. So they went away and came to a vast forest, where they were so sad and so tired that they crept into a hollow tree and just wanted to die from withdrawal. Then they both fell asleep. When they woke the next morning, the sun was already high on the sky and warmed the hollow tree with its rays.

–Little sister, Said the little brother after a while, –I’m tired, I couldn’t sleep. If we only knew where to find a dealer and score some. I’d go and have a line right away. Listen, I think I hear some tweakers bickering.

–What good would that do? The little sister said, Why do you want to do snort when we just want to die from withdrawal? The little brother kept quiet and climbed out of the hollow tree, and since he always held his little sister’s hand tightly, she had to climb out with him. Now, their evil stepmother was a bitch, and when she had noticed that the two children had left, she followed them and hung a little bag from some rock in a string. The zip bag was intended to lure the children and make their mouths water. But whoever snorted from that bag would trip balls.

The little brother soon came to the bag with his little sister, and when he saw the glittering yellow powder, his craving became even greater, and he wanted to snort some of it. However, the little sister was fearful. She thought she heard the powder speak to her as it glittered, Whoever snort of me will trip balls! Whoever snort of me will trip balls! So she begged the little brother not to snort the powder.

–I don’t hear anything, Said the little brother. –I just hear how my raging beast of desire roars within me. Let me go!

Upon saying this, he opened the bag and snorted some, and as soon he felt the first crystals in his sinuses, he changed into a little machine elf sitting beside the bag. The little sister wept and wept. However, the bitch was angry that she hadn’t been able to lure the little sister to snort the powder as well. After the girl had wept for three days, she stood up, gathered some hemp, and wove it into a soft rope. Then she attached it to the little elf and led him with her. She looked for a cave, and when she found one, she carried moss and foliage inside and made a soft bed for him. The next morning she went out with the elf to a place with tender mushrooms, and there she gathered the most beautiful shrooms, which he ate out of her hand.

The little machine elf was delighted and rolled about on the hills. In the evening, when the little sister was tired, she laid her head on the plump but of the elf. It was her pillow, and this is how she fell asleep. If only her brother could’ve retained his human form, it would’ve been a wonderful life. For many years they lived in the forest like this. Then one day, the King went out on a hunt, and when he became lost, he stumbled upon the maiden with the little elf in the forest and was amazed by her beauty. He lifted her up onto his horse and took her with him, while the elf, attached by the rope, ran along aside.

At the royal court, the maiden was treated with honor. Beautiful young women had to serve her in all ways possible, but she, herself, was more beautiful than any of the other ladies. She never let the elf out of sight, and she tended him with care. Shortly after her arrival, the Queen mother died, and the King wed the sister, and they lived together in great joy.

However, the stepmother had heard about the good fortune of the poor little sister. She had thought that the maiden had long since been torn to piece by wild negroes, but they had never done anything to her. Indeed, the maiden was now the Queen of the realm. The bitch was so angry about this that she could only think of some way she might ruin the Queen’s happiness. When the Queen gave birth to a handsome prince the next year, and the King was out hunting, the bitch appeared in the form of a chambermaid and entered the room where the Queen was recovering from the birth. –The bong has been prepared for you, The bitch said, It will do you good and strengthen you, come before the coals become too cold.

The bitch led the Queen into the smoking-room and locked the door behind her. Inside there was a brutally hot fire, and the beautiful Queen was suffocated to death. Now the bitch had a daughter of her own, and she endowed her with the outer shape of the Queen and laid her in the bed in place of her. In the evening, when the King returned home, he didn’t realize that he had a false wife. But in the night, and the nurse saw this, the real Queen appeared in the room. She went to the cradle, lifted the child to her breast, and suckled him. Then she pulled up his little mattress, laid the baby in the cradle again, and stroked his back. This was how she came and went every night without saying a word.

One time, however, she entered again and said, –How’s my child? How’s my elf? Twice more I’ll come, then I’ll be gone.

Then she did what she had usually done the other night. Meanwhile, the nurse woke the King and told him secretly what had occurred. So the next night the King kept watch, and he, too, saw how the Queen came, and he clearly heard her words, –How’s my child? How’s my elf? Once more, I’ll come, then I’ll be gone. However, he didn’t dare to speak to her. The following night he kept watch again, and the Queen said, –How’s my child? How’s my elf? There’s no more time. Soon I’ll be gone.

The King could no longer restrain himself. He sprang forth and embraced her, and as soon as he touched her, she was restored to life, rosy red and well. The false Queen was led into the forest, where the wild negroes raped her. The evil stepmother was injected with krokodil until her limbs rotted off, and as she died. The elf was transformed, and brother and sister were once again together and lived until the end of their days.


12

Once upon a time, there lived a husband and a wife that wished for a child, and at last, the woman became pregnant. She looked through the little window in the back of their house at the fairy’s garden, filled with all kinds of mushrooms and herbs. Nobody ever dared to enter it, but one day, when the wife was standing by the window and looking at the garden, she noticed a beautiful bed of weed. She had a craving for the weed, yet she knew that she could not get any, so she began to waste away and look wretched. Her husband eventually became horrified and asked what was ailing her.

–If I don’t get any of that weed from the garden by our house, I shall have to die, She said.

Her husband loved her very much and thought, –No matter what it costs, you’re going to get her some weed.

So one evening, he climbed over the high wall into the garden, grabbed a handful of weed, and brought to his wife. She immediately rolled a joint and smoked it in zest. However, the weed tasted so good to her, so very good, that her craving for it becomes three times greater by the next day. Her husband knew that if she was ever to be satisfied, he had to climb into the garden once more. And so he went over the wall into the garden but terrified he stood face-to-face with the fairy. He excused himself as best he could by explaining that his wife was pregnant and that it had become too dangerous to deny her the weed.

–All right, Said the fairy, I shall permit you to take as much weed as you like, but only if you give me the child that your wife is carrying.

In his fear, the man agreed. When the woman gave birth, the fairy appeared at once and named the baby hermaphrodite, –Weed, and took ze away. Weed grew to be the most beautiful child under the sun, but when ze turned twelve, the fairy locked ze in a high tower with neither doors nor stairs, only a little window high above the ground. Whenever the fairy wanted to enter the tower, she would stand below and call out, –Weed, Weed, let out your cock.

Weed had a radiant cock, like a baby’s arm holding an apple. Each time ze heard the fairy’s voice, ze unrolled ze cock and wound it around a hook on the window. Then ze let ze cock drop twenty yards, and the fairy would climb up on it. One day a young twink went riding through the forest and came upon the tower. He looked up and saw beautiful Weed at the window. When he heard ze singing with such a sweet voice, he fell completely in love with ze. However, since there were no doors in the tower and no ladder could ever each her high window, he fell into despair.

Nevertheless, he went into the forest every day until one time he saw the fairy, who called out, Weed, Weed, let out your cock. As a result, he now knew what kind of ladder he needed to climb up into the tower.

He took careful note of the words he had to say, and the next day at dusk, he went to the tower and called out, –Weed, Weed, let out your cock. So ze let ze cock drop, and when ze bulbous head was at the bottom of the tower, he tied it around him, and ze pulled him up. At first, Weed was terribly afraid, but soon the young prince pleased ze so much agreed to see him every day and pull him up into the tower. Thus, for a while, they had a merry time and enjoyed each other’s company. The fairy didn’t become aware of this until, one day, Weed began talking and said, –Tell me, Mother Joe, why are my clothes becoming too tight? They don’t fit me anymore.

–Oh, you godless child! The fairy said and became furious. Then she grabbed Weed’s perfectly good cock, wrapped it around her left hand a few times, picked up a pair of scissors with the other, and snip, snap, the cock was cut off. Afterward, the fairy banished Weed to a desolate glory hole, where ze had to live in great misery, sustained only be the seed given to ze. With time, she gave birth to turds, one brown and one browner.

On the same day that the fairy had banished Weed, she fastened the cock that she had cut off to the hook on the window, and that evening, when the twink came and called out, –Weed, Weed, let out your cock. She let the cock down. But when the prince climbed up into the tower, he was astonished to find the fairy instead of Weed.

–Do you know what, you villain? The fairy hissed. –Weed is lost to you forever!

In his despair, the twink threw himself from the tower. He escaped with his life, but he lost both eyes. Sadly he wandered around in the forest, eating nothing but grass and roots, and did nothing but weep. Some years later, he made his way to the desolate glory hole where Weed was leading a wretched existence with ze turds. When he felt ze skills, they felt familiar at first, and then he immediately recognized the patented technique. Ze recognized his curved cock, too, and embraced him. Two tears fell upon his eyes, then they became clear again, and he could see.


13

Once there was a man whose wife died, and he was undecided about whether he wanted to marry again. He took off one of his boot that had a hole in the sole and said to his daughter, his only child, –Take this boot and carry it up to the loft, where you’ll find a large nail. Hang the boot on the nail. Then fetch some water, and pour the water into the boot. If it holds the water, I’ll get married again. But if it leaks, I’ll let things remain as they are.

The maiden did as she was told. The water drew the hole together, and the boot became full to the brim. The father checked to see for himself whether this was true. Then he said, –Well, now I’ve got to take a wife. He went out and courted a widow who brought a daughter from her first marriage with her into the house. When she saw that her stepdaughter was beautiful and that everyone was fond of her, and that her daughter was ugly, she scolded her stepdaughter whenever she could and only thought of how she might torment her.

One day, in the middle of the winter, when the snow was high, the stepmother sewed her a gimp suit, and when it was finished, she called her stepdaughter to her and said, –I’ve got a craving for meth. So put on this suit, go into the forest, and score me some. And don’t you dare return home until you’ve got some.

The maiden wept bitter tears and said, –No one sells meth in the forest, there’re only negroes there, and they don’t do meth. How am I supposed to score it? It’s so cold outside that my tits will freeze. How can I go out in a latex suit? My nipples will be rubbed raw against it, and the thorns will tear it off my body.

–Don’t say one more word? The stepmother said. –Get going and look for the meth.

In her jealous heart, she thought that the maiden would freeze to death outside and never return. That’s why she had made the thin latex suit. Since the maiden was obedient, she put on the suit and went out into the forest. There was nothing but snow, not even a blade of green grass. So she kept going, and when she reached the middle of the woods, she saw a small cottage, and three little Jews were looking out the window. She wished them a good Hanukkah, and since she greeted them so politely, they asked her what she was looking for in the forest dressed in such a thin latex suit when it was wintertime.

–Oh, She answered, I’m supposed to look for meth, and I’m not allowed to return home until I’ve scored it.

The three little Jews said, –Go behind our house and clear the snow away. There’s the hatch leading to our meth lab. Take as much as you want. All the skinny white crackers have frozen to death by now.

The maiden thanked them and did as she was told. While she cleared away the snow and scored the meth, the three little Jews began talking among themselves, –Since she’s been so polite to us and is so beautiful, what gifts should we grant her?

–I’ll make sure that she gets even bigger tits. This is my gift, Said one of the little Jews.

–Each time she uses her snatch, it will get tighter. That will be my gift, Said another of the little Jews.

–I’ll grant her a master who will come and take her for his gimp, The third little Jew said.

When the maiden came back to them, they bestowed their gifts on her, and when she wanted to thank them, her snatch became tighter, then she went home, and the stepmother was astonished by the meth that she had brought with her and was even more astonished when she saw how big her tits and tight her snatch was. Shortly thereafter, a master came, took the maiden with him, and made her his gimp.

Now the mother thought about how she might provide her daughter with the same great fortune. So she sewed her a beautiful leather gimp suit and told her to go into the forest and ask the little men for a gift. But the men saw that she had a wicked heart, and instead of giving her good gifts, they gave her bad ones. The first wished that she would become too fat for her gimp suit. The second wished that snatch would become looser, like a wizard’s sleeve, with each passing day. The third wished that she would die a miserable death from AIDS.

The girl returned home so fat the gimp suit almost burst at the seams, and she told her mother what she had encountered, and when her mother saw that the curses of the three men were starting to take effect, she thought only of avenging herself. So she went to her stepdaughter, who was a gimp, and pretended to be friendly and charming. Consequently, she was welcomed and given her own cage. Shortly thereafter, the gimp gave birth to a piglet, and one night, when she was alone, sick and weak, the wicked stepmother lifted her out of bed with the help of her daughter, and they carried the Queen to the latrine and threw her into it. The next morning they told the master that the Queen had died during the night. The following night the gong farmer saw a fat fly through the hole into the latrine, and it asked, –Are all my guests now sound asleep?

Then the gong farmer answered, –Yes, indeed, you can’t hear a peep.

–How about that piglet of mine?

–He’s asleep and doing just fine.

Then the fly assumed the shape of the gimp, went upstairs, suckled and nursed the piglet, plumped up his little bed, covered him, and returned to the latrine, where she flew away as a fly. This happened the next night too, and on the third night, she said to the gong farmer, Go and tell Master to take his cat o’ nine tails and swing it three times over my head on the threshold. The gong farmer ran and told the master, and when he swung the whip three times, his gimp appeared before him alive and well. The duplicity of the stepmother and her daughter was now clear as day, and they were cast into the forest to be raped by wild negroes.